Hello everyone. I am the Zodiac Killer. Do you remember me? Because I remember you! Hahahaha!
Was that good? I haven’t done this in a long time, so bear with me. Trying to rebrand. I’m thinking of going for something styled after the pop culture murderers you’re all a little more familiar with, like Backroom or Jeff the Killer. If you can suggest anybody else, please let me know.
Anyway, this is the Zodiac speaking. Now, I know I’ve been supplanted by some newer talent like Teddy K, Bernie Madoff, et al. I’m not making a comeback lightly – nobody wants to see an old man winding himself while chasing two teenagers down the street. Still, even though my salad days are over, I’ve still got a bit of life left in me! And you have a bit more left to lose… Ahahaha!
Kidding!
Still, maybe it’s hard for you to believe that I’m back after all this time. Anybody can claim to be the Zodiac. Believe me, I would know. But to assuage any doubts, you’ll have to find the answer… in one of my confounding ciphers!
Rovvy! S kw Dro Jynskm Usvvob.
I know you will have a great deal of trouble cracking this one. In fact, it might take another fifty years to solve! (Do not scroll past the cipher until you’ve solved it, and please highlight the provided hints if you feel stuck.)
HINT 1:
This famous Roman statesman was named Julius…
HINT 2:
His reign as dictator lasted five years. What is five times two?
HINT 3:
Jeffrey Dahmer loves to solve Caesar ciphers by shifting them ten letters ahead. How many times did he scream like a little baby while those two men beat him to death with a metal pipe? (This one is purely a skill-testing bonus question for puzzle fiends; thank you for playing so far!)
–
Solved it? I understand if you had to skip it – I’m not mad, really. Befuddling codes like these come naturally to me. Promise you’ll try again a little later!
The truth is that I, The Zodiac, am dead. That’s right! That part where I said that I had a little life left was a euphemism to throw off the cops; I’m pretty sure they can’t get me where I am, but you never know. Assuming they can’t, I’ve officially reached the afterlife unscathed.
Well, almost.
I know there are plenty of would-be Zodiacsters out there, so just to save you some time: Murdering people does not guarantee that they’ll become your slaves in the afterlife. It’s a real fucking blow if you dedicate a lot of energy to that sort of thing.
Still, it was supposed to work. Maybe I fucked up somewhere. I think, if I could try again, I would make everyone wear little hats before I kill them – the kind that say things like “Zodiac Power!” or “I would like to be your slave in the afterlife.” That sort of thing. Maybe some shirts or posters displaying some of my classic & most relatable quotes. Would you wear a “wachmacallit, thingmebob, and like wise, well—nevermind, and tut tut tut tut” shirt while getting shot in the head? Serious feedback only.
And yes, before you ask, I’m obviously in Hell. I know the expectation that I would go to Heaven for shooting and stabbing a bunch of people became part of the Zodiac “bit,” but I’m more of a pragmatist than that. I figured the slaves would bust me out of whatever eternal perdition I ended up in, and then we’d stage a general coup and gain control of Hell’s resources. A bit pie-in-the-sky, I know. Anyway, nobody reaches paradise unscathed. Let that be a lesson for you.
Future murders may be relatively out of the question, but I have one more ace up my sleeve. See, they gave me this laptop so I could watch David Fincher’s “Zodiac” on repeat for at least 300 years, but one of the little red guys fucked up and left it logged into the wifi. Seeing that they have billions of people to torture down here, I doubt they’ll notice what I’m doing, which leaves me free to bring Zodiac Fever into the 21st century MY way.
The truth is that I didn’t get a lot of murdering done after the 70s. I spent a lot of the 80s – well, that’s not important. But I played some video games, and I know that a lot of you enjoy video games. I’m sure you’d love to hear which ones I liked the most! With this in mind, here are Zodiac’s Retro Picks. Tell your friends!
–
SUPER MARIO BROS.
This one is a retro classic for sure. Who doesn’t love it? I beat Super Mario more times than I can count – and anyone who knows me will recall that I’m very good at counting.
But why is Mario so great? A lot of people don’t realize this, but its first level is actually an invisible tutorial!
That’s right! If you’re paying attention, World 1-1 actually teaches you everything you need to play the rest of the game. You can’t progress without jumping on the goomba, and in doing so, you’re likely to hit a “?” Block – these always rather reminded me of the great mystery at the heart of my murder capers – and receive a Super Mushroom. Once you’ve figured this out, you can easily deal with these situations from here on out. Brilliant!
Oh, and see these blocks? The first set allows you to fall harmlessly between them until you’ve mastered the jump, while the second set requires you to make the leap successfully to avoid falling into a large pit. An extremely elegant piece of game design from Shigeru Miyamoto! After clearing this course, you’ll have all the skills you need to rescue Princess Peach.
Things haven’t always been “peachy” when it comes to Mario, though. When I tried to check in on him again in the 21st century, I was stumbling into some disturbing revelations about his character. People were even saying he was a sociopath! Serious claims, but thankfully, time and deep reflection has revealed these accusations to be false. It seems like the poor man has endured a bit of a smear campaign in recent years, which is something I can understand.
Still, I made a moral effort to get to the bottom of things:
This is the Zodiac speaking
It has been a long time & I am sorey to make you wait. I was origionaly hoping to do this much sooner but I was held up. I will be finding new victoms soon & will do my Thing!!! First I want to ask if super mario is really doing all of this stuff or if yore lieing through your ass. I thoght the mushrooms & flowers were just magic but you have been seying they are drugs. If super mario is not cleen you must tell me or I will make you diseappar.
Unfortunately, CollegeHumor isn’t responding to any of my emails. I said the Zodiac was speaking!
–
CHILLER
Look, I know this is what you want, but it’s a crude stereotype and I don’t appreciate it. If you work at a restaurant, do you come home and fantasize about washing dishes all day? Do real conductors have model train sets? Do airline pilots throw paper airplanes at the ground? Come on. Don’t be glib.
For your information, I never played Chiller. Well, I couldn’t find it, but that’s beside the point. When I found out about it, I was put off! The whole thing is pretty tasteless. I mean, I get it. Obviously. But we should probably draw the line somewhere. I’m getting a little uncomfortable just thinking about it.
–
MARIO’S PICROSS
Oh. I wasn’t looking for this one. I played it because Mario was on the cover, but I didn’t enjoy it very much. Actually, I didn’t get very far. Ha-ha. The thing about puzzle games
Actually, I don’t even want to think about it. I’m doing a different one.
–
THE EXORCIST
I know, I know, not a video game. Just reminiscing about the good old days. Remember when I said that I liked The Exorcist? Ooo, there’s a classic Zodiac Pick. I bet that freaked the fuck out of everybody, to imagine me watching such a chilling movie. And I even called it a “satirical comedy” despite the fact that it was clearly a horror film. Just a glimpse into the twisted world of the Zodiac… Almost too much to bear.
Honestly, I just thought it was fine. As a movie, I mean. I don’t think Friedkin really came into his own style until Sorcerer. Not that you’ve heard me say that. I sent a lot of film reviews to the San Francisco Chronicle, but they wouldn’t publish any of them without a scrap of bloody clothing or a severed finger. Stuff like that really starts to fuel the part of yourself that’s always saying you’re just not good enough.
–
PICROSS DS
SKIP. SKIP.
–
ONE OF THE LITTLE BEEPY TIGER MACHINES
Picture not mine, just FYI. I know some pigs would love an image of my hands, arms, torso, neck, and general facial structure. Perhaps you’ll even get one… if you can do something in return: kill whoever creates these awful goddamn things. Are they still alive? I had planned to make them my last target, but I was already infirm and my son didn’t want to drive me to Illinois. I should’ve acted sooner, before he sold all of my knives and guns to buy another boat. Maybe there’s still time.
By the way, if you liked this article, make sure to spread it around! Maybe I’ll get in the newspaper again.
–
SHAMU’S DEEP SEA ADVENTURES
This was the last video game I ever played. My grandson gave me his Nintendo DS for a few minutes so he could watch me struggle and writhe as the feckless Shamu. God, I hated that fucking kid. I got so fed up with his bullying that I told him I was the Zodiac Killer, but he just laughed and said that he knew it was Arthur Leigh Allen. Such an asshole.
It’s not him, by the way. It’s not. It’s me. I’m the Zodiac Killer. I’ve always been the Zodiac Killer. Why is this so hard for people to understand? I thought you wanted to catch me! I’m right here!
–
PICROSS E
FINE. Fuck. Whatever. You can’t actually solve the Z32 cipher that got printed in the San Francisco Chronicle. I fucked it up, okay? I don’t even remember what the intended solution was supposed to be. I thought about sending in a correction, but I knew everyone was going to make fun of me. Then I decided to dig the bomb back up so nobody would be able to work backwards and discover that I kludged it, but I forgot to leave any kind of marker in the grass, so I just ended up digging a bunch of holes and fucking up my back. Jesus Christ.
The bomb didn’t even go off. None of them ever did. Why can’t I build bombs? That fucking lunkhead Walter Moody could do it. He was leaving them in the goddamn kitchen and accidentally maimed his wife. I can’t even do it on purpose? What’s wrong with me?
I just want a different game. That’s all. Nothing with puzzles.
–
MYST
FUCK YOU. YOU WANT TO MEET THE ZODIAC KILLER? FINE. HERE YOU GO.
“Oh! Who’s that? I don’t know that guy!” Of course you don’t. Nobody does. Not even me. I thought I knew him, once. But that was a long time ago.
It wasn’t just my grandson. Towards the end, I started telling everyone: my wife, my extended family, my friend Craig Forrester. They all just laughed. It was a joke to them. I tried everything to make them believe me, but I had been too goddamn careful. There was no evidence that I could produce. I couldn’t remember how to solve any of the stupid fucking ciphers. If one of the unsolved murders hadn’t been attributed to me, somebody else had already taken credit for it.
Jesus. I don’t understand. When I tried to leave a tip with the FBI, they told me to “have a nice day” and hung up. I mean, don’t they have to come over? Just once? For a courtesy check? I even implied there was a little Zodiac Jr! This was a matter of national security! They’re not allowed to hang up.
And you know what’s funny? I even kept the bloodied jeans from one of my victims. I knew this might happen one day. I always did. But when I went looking, I found out that my son had thrown them away. He thought they were mine! But then he never asked how it made me feel? To lose all that blood? Of course not. He’s a heartless piece of shit, like everyone else. It’s easier for him to believe that I’m nothing; his problems make him special. How could I understand? What did I go through?
It’s like it never happened. It’s like I never did anything. We’re getting sidetracked. WE’RE GETTING SIDETRACKED.
–
CHIP’S CHALLENGE
I’m fine. I’m calm. Chip’s Challenge is Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck!
You know what? The mood is off. I can’t do this right now. I’m just going to post what I have so far and go back to Tumblr. Find me on there – if you even care.